What Am I
by Toxic29
Summary: A script my brother wrote for potential to be used by the infamous YouTuber known as Onision, hoping it would be used and potentially improve his standing, as well as my brother's, giving him a reputation in the industry. It was never picked up, and this was before it was discovered that he was beyond redemption.


What am I?

And

Why Does My Butt Hurt?

By:

Dylan Moore

Opening Sequence: The film begins by showing a montage collection of clips from the channels Onision, OnisionSpeaks, and LaineyBot. The topic of discussion is sexuality, gender, and attraction. Quotes will include…

The definition of gender…(many OnisionSpeaks videos)

"A lot of us are gay or bi without realizing it." (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gay…And I Failed as a Husband_ )

"I am still confused. I am still unsure about everything." (LaineyBot/ _Reacting to Onision Videos About Me 2_ )

"Apparently, I'm not a heterosexual male. Thought I was. But, I'm not." (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gynesexual_ )

"He just saw me as a girl still." (LaineyBot/ _Reacting to Onision Videos About Me 2_ )

"If a chick has a dick, that means I'm attracted to them if I'm a heterosexual male." (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gynesexual_ )

"I identify more to the masculine side of the spectrum." (LaineyBot/ _Why I'm Not Agender Anymore_ )

"I may say things like "yeah, girl" or other specific things specific to gender. As I previously stated I'm attracted to females. And that's the problem with my logic." (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gay…And I Failed as a Husband_ )

"This video…meant a lot to me." (LaineyBot/ _Reacting to Onision Videos About Me 2_ )

"If my wife grew a dick I would still be attracted to her because I knew her before she grew a dick." (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gynesexual_ )

Repeat "I identify…"(LaineyBot/ _Why I'm Not Agender Anymore_ )

"Eventually I'll probably love her dick." (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gynesexual_ )

"This is how I feel in the moment. I might change later. (LaineyBot/Am I Going to Transition?)

Onision talking about the difference between brain and body. (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gay…And I Failed as a Husband_ )

"If he was willing to not be straight." (LaineyBot/ _Reacting to Onision Videos About Me 2_ )

"A lot of us are gay or bi without even really knowing it." (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gay…And I Failed as a Husband_ )Also include Greg's pie chart

"I feel more confident. I'm presenting more like I would like to present. (LaineyBot/ _Reacting to Onision Videos About Me 2_ )

"There would have to be an intensely romantic relationship before I ever consider sucking that D!" (OnisionSpeaks/ _I'm Gynesexual_ )

 **Cut to Black**

Scene One: INT. Kitchen- 10:30 AM

LAINEY is making tea for themselves in the kitchen. While the water heats up, LAINEY scrolls through their laptop resting on the kitchen counter. **The camera does not reveal what is on the computer. Focus instead on LAINEY'S face and every side of the computer but the screen.** The water is hot to their liking, so LAINEY grabs two tea bags to put in the hot mug. **Camera zoomed toward LAINEY'S lips on the right side of their face.** They takes a sip of the tea. **Cut to the laptop screen, revealing what they're doing.** Amazon order complete! **Does not show WHAT was ordered. Cut to LAINEY'S lips again.** As LAINEY removes the mug from their lips, a smile stretches across their face.

Scene Two: INT. Filming Room- 10:45 AM

GREG is sitting at his work desk infront of a camera. Making another addition to the ridiculously large number of OnisionSpeaks videos. This video will be titled _I'm Gay…And I Failed as a Husband 3._

GREG

Hey guys. So a lot people need to know about my relationship and how it's going. As you're well aware I released a video not too long ago in which I explain that I'm bi. A lot of you, really wanted to jump and attack me. Like you tend to do. So I made a video, a sort of…part 2 to address how simple your minds are. Especially, when you have an agenda. Seemingly, you agenda is to remain ignorant to any other points of view that's not your own.

 **Cuts to a shot of LAINEY walking up the stairs holding a whole wheat bagels covered in peanut butter and a glass of almond milk. Cut back to GREG.**

GREG (CON'T)

But that's not what this video is about. For those who are actually accepting understanding of what I was trying to say, because some of you aren't idiots, this is an update video for you. Tell you how the process has between me and my spouse, whom I love and adore very much.

 **Cuts again to LAINEY just outside the filming room.** They enter the room. It appears the bagels and milk was made for GREG.

LAINEY

(With a smile)

Mornin'.

GREG stops speaking to the camera and shifts his attention to LAINEY. Even though he does get a little annoyed whenever his takes get interrupted, he always enjoys the sight of them in the morning.

GREG

(In a pretend, snarky tone)

You're ruining my video.

LAINEY

(Mimicking his tone)

Well, you can edit around me.

GREG smirks.

LAINEY (CON'T)

I brought you breakfast.

GREG

Cool.

GREG smirks as he turns off his camera to save battery. Figuring LAINEY must have something say since GREG can easily make his own breakfast.

GREG

(Obnoxious smile)

Any more stereotypical housewife tasks you plan on doing for me?

LAINEY

(Fast-Paced)

You mean aside from cleaning the house again. Doing the dishes you said you'd do. Washing, drying, and folding all the laundry again. Tending to the children we'll never show. And somehow miraculously trying to muster enough confidence and self-worth to maybe try a film a video.

Awkward pause.

GREG

(Nonchalantly)

Yeah! That.

LAINEY

Your clothes are getting bleached tonight.

LAINEY heads toward the door.

GREG

I'm kidding, LAIN.

LAINEY

(Turns back)

And don't say "housewife"!

GREG

Hmmmm…what does one call a non-binary mother who performs tasks one would normally associate that with a "housewife"?

They both stop and think.

GREG (CON'T)

How 'bout the _Nibi-maid_?

LAINEY

(Confused)

The what?

GREG

Nibi-maid. Nibi for N.B; like, Non-Binary.

GREG gives an obnoxious smile as if he thought LAINEY would _just die_ from how good the idea was. LAINEY'S face remains blank.

LAINEY

I literally want to punch you, right now.

GREG gives a sad look.

LAINEY (CON'T)

So I wanted to talk to you about something.

GREG

(Sitting more upright)

Yes?

LAINEY

I'm ready to be poly again.

GREG'S face turns completely white. His eyes widen. In his mind he's going, "What the fucking fuck?"

LAINEY (CON'T)

And, I want a dick.

GREG swallows hard. His eyes get even wider. Almost, Nicholas Cage level wide. LAINEY remains quite calm.

GREG

(Trying to regain composure)

You mean, like, you to start stuffing your pants? Like a tube sock?

LAINEY

No like a dick. I want a dick and balls and I wanna try peeing standing up.

GREG

(Not knowing what to say)

Ummm…how…uhh

LAINEY

I was Amazon today and I found this thing. It's called _Packer Gear._ It's boxers you where if you're not biologically equipped with a penis you can equipped an artificial penis to your boxers.

GREG

(Breathing more relaxed now)

You want to get this?

LAINEY

I already ordered it. And some other stuff.

GREG

Other stuff?

LAINEY

The boxers, the fake cock, the fake balls, a funnel that allows me to pee standing up, and…

Pause.

LAINEY (CON'T)

…a little surprise.

GREG

Oh okay. I like surprises.

LAINEY has a smile. GREG is…confused.

GREG (CON'T)

Can I ask why?

LAINEY

'Cause I wanna see what it's like. I wanna see why you guys are so obsessed with you dicks? Why do you play with them and grab them so much? Do they get wet while you're sittin' on the toilet? You ever pee on your balls while you're sitting?

GREG

I pee on my balls all the time while I'm sitting.

LAINEY

Yeah, that's why I'm hoping my dick will be bigger than yours.

GREG gives another sad look.

GREG

So, what d'ya mean you want to be poly again?

LAINEY

I wanna test out the dick, bro.

GREG

Like, you wanna fuck a girl?

LAINEY

Or guy. With the dick.

GREG leans back in his chair. GREG had said he wanted to encourage LAINEY to express their masculine side as far as they needed to. LAINEY usually wasn't this direct, or crude. Guess the _guy brain_ is really taking effect. "Well, maybe this could work", he thought.

GREG

Okay. Let's do it.

LAINEY

(Excited)

Fuck yeah!

LAINEY excitedly jumps onto GREG while he's seated on his wheelie office chair. They hug and kiss and laugh.

 **Fade Out:**

Scene Three: INT. Master Bedroom- 10:55 PM (3 Days Later)

GREG is laying bed angrily responding to people on twitter. **Enter LAINEY.** LAINEY is holding a brown box and wearing a big toothy smile. GREG is so busy with his twitter hate, he doesn't even notice LAINEY'S presence. **LAINEY opens the box off camera.**

GREG continues typing.

LAINEY

(Screaming so he'll notice)

GREG!

GREG

(Jumping)

Yeah?!

LAINEY

My period stopped.

GREG

Oh, finally!

Instantly, GREG begins disrobing himself. Shirt, pants, socks, all the way to his underwear. When he's in his boxers he lays in an exaggerated "sexy" position. ROSE from TITANIC ain't got nothin' on him.

GREG

(Excitedly)

Ready!

LAINEY peaks their head out through the bathroom door.

LAINEY

You want me to draw you like one of my French girls?

GREG

You found a French girl? Does she have blue hair?!

LAINEY

No it was a j…never mind. I'll be right out.

GREG

Okayyyyy.

LAINEY retreats back into the bathroom. GREG still assumes "sexy" position. LAINEY'S voice is than heard from the side of the door.

LAINEY

Hey GREG?!

GREG

Yeah?

LAINEY

Can you do me a favor? Face the other side of the bathroom door.

GREG turns instinctively. Anything to speed up the erotic process.

GREG

Done!

LAINEY

Thank you.

GREG waits as patiently as he can for his beautiful spouse. **Click!** The door is opening. LAINEY is leaving the bathroom. Giant smile grows on GREG'S face. He wants to turn to see them.

LAINEY

No peeking!

GREG

Okey dokey.

GREG decides this is the perfect time for a joke. He hoists his ass in the air positioning himself on all fours.

GREG

Take a look at this sexy ass. Look at it.

 **Cut to LAINEY'S smiling intensely.**

LAINEY

Oh, I am.

 **Cut to GREG's face.**

GREG

Mmmm…you better. 'Cause it's all…

Before he could finish speaking GREG'S eyes widen and he makes a sudden gasp. Implying that LAINEY is…exciting him.

LAINEY

Feel good?

GREG

Yes!

LAINEY

Like it?

GREG

Yes please.

LAINEY

There's something I wanna try.

GREG

Cool! Cool!

 **In a very tight zoom in, the camera focus on the movement of the boxers. Doesn't show them completely coming off but enough to trigger the audience's imagination. Cut again back to GREG'S face.** There is a silence in the air. **Focus on LAINEY'S waistline revealing belt straps wrapped around them.** We now know what was in the brown box. LAINEY ordered a strap-on.

LAINEY

You remember your safe-word, right.

GREG

Yeah, it's "banana" but…

 **Show GREG'S face turning white as a ghost as yes bulging and bloodshot.**

GREG

I'M A BANNANA! I'M A BANNANA! I'M A BANNNA! LOOK AT ME MOOOOOOVE!

GREG leaps off the bed at maximum speed to avoid the incoming intruder. LAINEY is shocked and confused.

LAINEY

What's wrong?

GREG

What the hell was that?!

LAINEY is now in full camera view. The strap on is censored.

LAINEY

What's wrong?

GREG

You just attacked my crack!

LAINEY

(Calmly)

Yes.

GREG

Why'd you do that?

LAINEY

One of my packages came today. Not the one with the boxers but one of the…surprises.

GREG

You tried to fuck my butt with a rubber dick?!

LAINEY

I'm trying to embrace my masculine side. Ya know, a lot of people have this fantasy. Including people with female brains and bodies.

GREG

(Whiney)

But my butt!

LAINEY

This isn't just a "masculine" thing. This is just something that always seemed interesting to me.

GREG

MY BUTT!

LAINEY

You said you like surprises.

GREG storms out the room while still in his underwear. LAINEY fallows with the strap-on still on.

LAINEY

GREG, what about your pie chart. You said you'd be willing to try this. You were happy for me when I placed the order.

GREG

I'm gonna take a walk.

 **Ding-Dong!** **Cut to the front door.** GREG walks toward the front door where he was planning to go anyway to answer the door. GREG answers it even though he's still in his underwear.

CHARLIE

Hey, GREG. How goes it?

GREG

CHARLIE? What're you doing here?

CHARLIE

LAINEY invited me.

GREG

(To LAINEY)

What?!

CHARLIE

(Smiling)

Yeah, they said something about a possible threesome.

GREG pauses.

GREG

(To LAINEY)

With CHARLIE?!

LAINEY

I thought he'd be a good start for you.

GREG storms out of the house crying obnoxiously. **CHARLIE center frame.**

CHARLIE

(To LAINEY smiling)

So, you gonna fuck my butt?


End file.
